I was just sitting there minding my own business when suddenly he appeared. He sat right beside me. I saw his face, but only for a second. Through my peripheral vision I could see his clothing. He was wearing a very nice dark blue suit. I happened to be wearing a light blue dress. It seemed as though we had coordinated our looks. There was a small child with him. His daughter, I presumed. She reminded me of myself at that age: fair skin and reddish brown natural hair. She hung off of him as if he was her own personal jungle gym. Definitely a daddy’s girl. I thought to myself one day I’ll have a little family just like this. Then the sadness hit me like a wave. I felt tears welling up behind my eyes. You see this wasn’t one of my best days. It was one of those days where I didn’t really want to get out of bed. I didn’t really want to go to church. I was feeling a bit lonely and a little lost. The thought of going in to this building alone and being in the midst of all of these people who had their people had me in my feelings. I made myself go anyway. I held back the tears. I didn’t want to cry for seemingly no reason while sitting next to a perfect stranger. Pull it together Reva. I took a few deep breaths and regained focus on worship.
Once service was over I introduced myself. It was the polite thing to do and I wanted to get a better look at him. One of the church mothers interrupted us. I took that as my cue to bow out gracefully and I did. A few weeks later he paid our congregation another visit. I spoke again and this time we exchanged numbers. He called me the very next day. We went out on one date and stayed up for hours, just talking. The phone calls continued daily. We went out again and again. Could this be it? I was so excited. I shared the details of my new romance with a close friend.
Me: I don’t know why he sat right next to me. Who does that?
Her: Maybe God put him there.
Me: Yeah, Maybe. Maybe He did.
*Insert record scratching
Neauxp. Nope. God did not put him there.
I know this situation has the makings of a great Christian love story OR at least a Hallmark movie. I mean I’m saying what better place to meet the man of your dreams, the love of your life, than in the house of the Lord. It would have to be God’s doing, right? Wrong. You know how I know? Because I prayed about it. Just like I do at the start of all new things I prayed that God would show me the true person. Let me see the real him. Let me see his intentions. I prayed that I would be able to discern the real from the rest. Most importantly I prayed that God would remove him swiftly if he be not for me. By the end of the fourth week all had been revealed from this man’s own mouth. I didn’t have to dig or decipher. I reviewed my notes against my non negotiables(previous post) and it was made very plain. Yeah sis, this literally ain’t what you want. Not only did he not line up with what I wanted, but by the time I finished my review I realized that I had been ignoring all of the actual forewarnings that were right in front of my face.
I had to debrief with a friend…or three…or five. Whatever, I hold small press conferences. Fight me. In talking with one of my homegirls, the conversation went something like this…
Me: Tells her all the reasons why this man is really diabolical.
Her: Oh girl, I was really excited for this one.
Me: Me too honey. I thought this was it.
Therein lies the problem. I’m always hoping this is it. I think that I’ve made an idol out of the fairytale relationship. Now that I recognize that I have this pattern going I have got to change it.
I’ve got to stop looking for someone to come and sweep me off my feet. Why do I even need that? I don’t. There is nothing wrong with the quality of my life. I’m smart, capable, kind, independent, gainfully employed, fit & super fine. I’m a new homeowner who is paying the bills on schedule, cleaning and sometimes cooking. Traveling when I want to, within budget. My curls and skin and credit are poppington. I’m watering the right relationships and myself. Drinking nearly a gallon of water per day is not an easy task. Yet and still, here I am doing it. Not to mention trying and learning new things. Hello Blogging! I don’t need to be swept off my feet. I am not a victim or a damsel in distress. I am the prize. Whew. I just had to remind myself. It’s not the other way around. The bible doesn’t say that a good husband is more precious than rubies! I am the prize. I’m the one that’s going to love me the best. I’m the one that’s going to take care of me the best. I’m the one that is going to do what it takes to make me happy. I’m the one that’s going to know me best. I’m the one that’s going to pray for me. Additional prayers are welcome. I don’t turn those away. No one else is going to improve my life or quality of life. No one is coming to “save” me because I don’t need saving.
Ain’t nobody else it. I AM IT and DASSIT.