It’s not something I like to discuss often. A few of my closest friends know about my journey. I don’t mind discussing this topic with my girlfriends or platonic guy friends. When it comes to having THE TALK with men I’m interested in I shy away. I don’t like to talk about my lifestyle out of fear of rejection. I’ve been celibate for over five years now. A lot of the men I have come in to contact with, whether Christian or not, do not believe in leading a lifestyle of celibacy. Men aren’t typically taught to be guardians of purity in the same way that women are.
I’ve yet to visit a church where I thought the preacher handled the topic of sex well. Just two weeks ago the preacher at my home church made a comment directed toward the women of the congregation saying they should tell men, “IF you want it, then you should put a ring on it.” The follow up comment to the men in the audience was, “Be selective. Don’t just give yourself to everybody.” You see the disconnect here? Why not share the same sentiment with the men in the audience? If women are to wait while dating, then the men should also be admonished to wait while dating.
I think that the men have this idea that women can wait because they are stronger. I say that with a HUGE grain of salt. It’s the same argument that I’ve heard many men make when discussing infidelity. They argue that women are more adept at handling infidelity because we are “stronger.” Men can’t handle that kind of betrayal. Others argue that it’s easier for women to wait because they don’t have the same level of sexual desire as men.
I dated this guy for a short while in 2012. That was the year that Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man was a summer blockbuster. Everyone was talking about the 90 day rule. No cookie for at least 90 days. The guy I was dating was raised in Christian Baptist church and we shared a lot of the same values. Still, I was surprised when he initiated the conversation about sex in our relationship. I was even more shocked when he said he wanted us to wait. What? JACKPOT. That was music to my ears. I was like this is awesome. We’re on the same page. This could really work out for the long haul. Then a couple of months went by and we got in to an argument like couples do.
Him: “Do you know how hard this is?”
Me: YES. You’re not doing this by yourself.
What I should have said: Do you think it’s easy for me to turn you away? Do you know how fine you are? Have you seen you?
I’m joking, but I’m not. He had the body of a greek god and I was very attracted to him, but we made this commitment and I wanted to stick to it. Not because it was easy, but because it was the righteous thing to do.
That was six years ago.
I know you read the first paragraph. I’ve been celibate for five years. Mistakes were made. The point is IT IS NOT EASIER FOR A WOMAN TO PRACTICE CELIBACY. It isn’t. It is difficult. It is sexually and emotionally frustrating. It can also be lonely. I don’t get a lot of support from my girlfriends when it comes to this topic. They don’t knock me for trying, but for the most part my friends are not about this life. I find support in other areas. I follow a few social media sites that focus on Christian dating. I came across this post by @_Emily Mcknight on Instagram.
“I prayed for a husband and a son. That man had to either be celibate already or down to wait for sex until our wedding day. I prayed that he would love me for who I was…and be down to support me in all of my wild dreams and endeavors.”
After reading her post I realized I hadn’t ever prayed for someone to be down for the wait. I just kind of assumed that because I was doing the right thing that God would send the right one my way. Now I know better. As much as I pray and ask God for all of these other things I want I need to be more specific in my prayers and thoughts so that I can manifest what I truly desire.
I waver sometimes, but I’m still holding out for a real one because it is the righteous thing to do. Even though my attitude towards this topic ain’t always right, I pray and believe that God will bless me in His time.
Happy Hump Day Beauties!